Forty three years ago...
Thank you. You're welcome.
KEEPING MUM
Oh my God!
Miss Jones? Rosemary Jones?
Rosie, (please). I prefer Rosie.
Is everything all right? Yes, fine.
I was just checking...
...the big leather trunk, is that yours?
Yes, that's mine.
Good.
Thank you Good.
Miss Jones?
Good morning. Officers.
Two dismembered bodies, Rosemary.
Why don't you just tell me who they are.
My husband and his mistress. They were planning to run away together.
So you thought you'd just kill them instead?
Well, I couldn't very well stand idly by now, could I?
Rosemary, Fredina Jones, you have been found guilty of Manslaughter.
Manslaughter, in that at the time you committed these heinous acts...
...you were suffering from such an abnormality of mind...
...as seriously impaired your responsibility.
I therefore make an order for your detention...
...in a secure unit for the criminally insane.
Good morning. Not to be freed... until such time
...as the Home Secretary decides... that your continued detention
...is no longer necessary for the protection of the public.
Thank you.
Oh, I don't suppose there's any chance of a cup of tea is there?
Today...
The Parish of Little Wallop Population: 57
Here, quick!
Morning, ladies. Morning.
Thank you for coming. Thank you very much.
Very nice to see you again.
Goodbye, Mrs. Martin.
Marvelous sermon, Vicar.
That's very kind. Thank you.
Thank you, Reverend Goodfellow. You're welcome, Mrs. Parker.
...just wanted to have a word with you about the Flower Arranging Committee.
Oh. Yes, of course...
This afternoon... perhaps...
Mrs. Goodfellow is not with you again?
No, I'm sorry about that. She's been very busy, Mrs. Parker.
Next week perhaps? Perhaps yes.
Although she is incredibly busy at the moment.
Oh, for fuck's sake!
Jesus Christ!
What's a girl to do to get a decent night's sleep, for crying out loud?
Holly.
Oh, excuse me, Vicar, about Tuesday, don't forget about Tuesday.
Oh, sorry, it's Tuesday.
Oh, Petey.
Fuck off.
Holly, it's time to wake up.
Holly.
Holly, I know you're in there.
Will you please come out right away.
Mother! I don't think you want me to do that.
I think you'll find I bloody well do!
Is that you, Carl? No, this is Mark.
It's nice to meet you, Mrs. Goodfellow.
Holly, this is totally unacceptable.
I'm seventeen. It's been legal for a year.
Legal does not make it decent.
Is everything all right, Mrs. Goodfellow?
Yes, everything's fine, Mrs. Parker.
Was that Holly I heard? Holly? No.
Oh, morning, Mrs. Parker.
Morning.
You know what pains me the most?
No, but I get the feeling you're going to tell me anyway.
You're intelligent.
An intelligent girl can't have a libido?
No, an intelligent girl knows what to do with it.
I know what to do with it.
Oh, Holly.
We used to be such friends.
Hello.
Now you're just cross with me all the time.
That's probably on account of you being a total and utter bitch.
Look at you two. Morning, sweetheart.
Morning.
It's sort of as we feared, the pond.
I've been chatting with the chaps from the Water Board.
Looks like it's algae.
It could be one of two or three different types apparently.
Some of them poisonous.
They're worried about the water table and...
...anyway, they say it'll get worse if it's not dealt with.
A lot of things'll get worse if they're not dealt with.
They're gonna come back to me with the details.
Devil's in the details, dad.
Could we not say that word on a Sunday?
What 'dad'?
Right...
Where are you going now?
I've got work to do. You've just been to work.
I've got to write an speech for that convention.
God's Mysterious ways'
And that's all I've got to show for it a title.
See? You're an utter bitch to him.
No I'm not.
And I know why. You're not getting any.
What?
Same reason you're angry with me and Mark.
In the van, in front of the house, on a Sunday.
That might have more to do with it.
I don't think so.
Oh, you must be right then. Well, I usually am.
Can I get you any?
Petey, how long have you been there?
Well, Holly says you're not getting any Can I get you some?
Petey, that's very thoughtful but...
...no, no you can't.
Let's face it, I'm no good at this.
No. You just need a little tweaking.
A little Lance adjustment.
That's another story.
All right. Now, Gloria...
...I told you that the key is in the swing, right?
Well, I've never had a good swing. I disagree.
I bet you, you could swing really well.
Now...
...you grip that shaft, gently but firmly.
Yes.
Now, spread your legs Little more.
Yeah.
Now you bend to the ball slowly.
Yeah.
Now, bend your knees.
Yeah.
Feel good? Yeah, feels fine.
Okay.
Just keep your eye on the ball. Okay.
You let me worry about the hole.
Right.
That was quite good.
Well your ball is in the rough,
but it's a good feeling, huh?
One more?
Okay.
Mrs. Parker asked after you this morning.
Surpise, surpise.
I'm running out of excuses. Well, then, don't make any.
Now, you can go down there and kill that bloody dog!
And I'll put in a month of Sundays.
Was that a brassiere over Holly's shoulder this morning?
You're half a day behind the rest of us, you know that?
And we call it a bra nowadays.
Why did she have it over her shoulder?
She was doing the laundry.
Mr. Brown?
Mr. Brown, it's Mrs. Goodfellow,
about Clarence. It's about your dog!
You woke me. Yes, well, your dog woke me.
What did you say? I said your dog woke me!
Well, he's found his voice,
Yes, he has, hasn't he.
And I was wondering whether we could keep him inside at night-time.
Got your sandwiches? Yes.
Sports bag? Yes.
And daddy's picking you up. But daddy forgets!
No he doesn't, darling.
And tomorrow it'll be the new Housekeeper
and she's paid not to forget.
Anyway, I thought you were gonna be brave and take the bus this year?
Next year. Oh, you said that last year.
Come on, you go and have a lovely day. Bye-bye.
Get out of the way! Move!
See you around, Goodfellow.
My shoelace is undone.
Tell me about when you were a girl.
Petey, you know already.
All right then.
When I was a little girl, I lived in a big scary house.
With the Black women. No, they wore black. They were nuns.
Mostly Irish and mostly evil.
And you were there because you were awful.
No, I was an orphan. Orphan, darling.
Go on, off you go. Have a good day. Remember to make daddy remember.
Promise.
Oh, she's here already? Sorry?
The housekeeper. No, no, just her trunk.
It arrived while you were out. It's a lovely old thing, isn't it?
Well, well, well, look at that. 'Grace'.
Is it a sign, do you think?
No, I think it's a trunk.
In the books I read when I was a boy, there was always a trunk like this.
Full of treasure. You will remember to pick up Petey?
What? I can't this afternoon.
Oh, right, okay. I'll write it down.
I've gotta take Mrs. Appleby to the garden centre.
Now where's the pen?
Oh, look at this.
You've made it really nice up here. Grace should be very happy.
Do you know, Lillian and Brian have made love...
...in every single room in their house?
Their house is smaller.
Yes, but they went round twice.
I'm late for work already. Oh, what's half an hour?
You take this off and you're just a man, Walter Goodfellow.
Don't forget Petey then.
Oh, Lord, yes. I think I wrote it down.
Yes.
Hello?
Petey?
Walter?
Darling, have you met, Bob and Ted?
We're just talking about the algae.
Walter, where's Petey?
Oh Lord. I'm sorry.
Mrs. Calloway rang me about her crisis of faith.
She was on the verge of losing it.
I know the bloody feeling.
It's God Boy. Get him!
No, no, please. Shut up.
Go on, Billy, get him.
No. This is really unnecessary! Shall I push him?
Do you wanna be pushed? I'm gonna count to three.
Three. No!
See you in the morning.
Oh dearie, dearie me, look at you.
Give me your hand, let me help you up.
You look so uncomfortable.
No-one has a clue where he is.
But I don't understand... No, well I...
Look, there he is!
Who the bloody hell is that?
Right...
Hey!
What are you doing with my son?
Come here. Come on, quick.
Oh, you must be Gloria.
You go and get in the car.
Look, I think there might be a misunderstanding.
You bet your life there's a misunderstanding.
Grace Hawkins. You're Grace Hawkins?
Yes Miss Hawkins.
Welcome to Little Wallop. Thank you, Vicar.
I'm sorry about earlier, Miss Hawkins.
No, Not at all. Under the circumstances you did just the right thing.
I could have been anybody and please, please call me Grace.
Reverend Goodfellow. Mrs. Parker.
Mrs. Parker, may I introduce you to our new housekeeper, Grace Hawkins.
Mrs. Parker is chair of the St. Michael's Flower Arranging Committee.
Which I wanted to talk to you about...
And we will talk about it, but Grace has literally just arrived...
I think we'd better go in, they'll be forever.
In my whole experience, in forty-three years...
I'm well aware of the problem. ...on this committee.
Oh, this is just...
He's a persistent little fellow, isn't he? It's not what I call him.
I've given it a good airing, but it's till a bit musty.
Oh, no, it's perfect.
It's just as I imagined.
A perfect home for a perfect family.
Well, let's hope they make us an offer.
A sense of humor. I like that.
Good. Because you're gonna need one.
There you go again.
How are we gonna get that upstairs? Oh, we'll find a way.
What do you think's in it?
I don't know and I didn't ask.
Holly!
I just wanna know what's in it.
Memories, dear.
A lifetime of memories.
And a few clothes.
You must be Holly. My, you're tall.
You must get that from your father's side.
Oh, this is David. Hi.
Well...
...the women in this family share a taste for good-looking fellas.
What?
Holly, are you taking the weight?
This way. Sharp left, darling.
Watch it, watch it! Sorry. This door's very narrow.
Just in front of the bed.
As we go down... just here by the ...that's fine.
Mind your fingers, tiger.
Well now, I don't think the occasion should go by without a few words.
Walter... Just a few words, Gloria.
Lord...
...thank you for this day.
And thank you for bringing us Grace...
...who has joined our family today...
...and who we hope will be very happy here.
And thank you also for Carl... Mark...
David. David... David...
...who we've also only just met, actually...
...but, who seems to be a very...
...a nice young man indeed. Amen.
Right, who'd like a cup of tea?
Yeah, we'd better get going.
Thank you for that, Walter... vicar, sorry.
You're very welcome, Grace. I meant every word.
Thank you.
Oh, God, you drive me crazy.
No, stop, stop. No, no, no oh, God.
I know a hotel five minutes away, okay?
Not The ship? You know it?
Of course I know it and they know me.
I'm the Vicar's wife, Lance!
We'd have to go miles to not be recognized.
Then why don't we just stay put?
You want our first time to be in a car?
Honey, I just want a first time.
I'm not doing it in a car.
That's the sort of thing my daughter does, for fuck's sake.
She does? There's a time and a place, Lance.
Like Mexico? Exactly, like Mexico.
Which is exactly where we're gonna be. Yeah, but when?
Soon, I promise.
I need a break. Just a couple of weeks, that's all I'm asking.
We're there in a heartbeat.
Naked and living off the fruits of love.
Warm sand. And chilled tequila.
Hot salsa.
Will that be the music or the food?
I think a bit of both, don't you?
For fuck's sake!
Well, goodnight then. Whoa, whoa, a little goodnight kiss.
Are you crazy? They're all watching us. Mrs. Parker!
Oh, come on...
...she probably can't even see.
Just pretend you're a taxi and go.
Go on.
I'll call you. What the hell am I doing?
I hope you know, because I haven't a clue.
Whoa, oh my Lord!
So you must be Holly.
See you next time, sweetpea.
Jesus Christ!
Can't we have some old fashioned vengeful wrath...
...like smite the little fucker dead.
And then I might start listening to you again.
I'm sorry, did I startle you?
No, no. Is everything okay?
Yes I just wanted to thank you. Thank you very much.
No, not at all. It's me who should be thanking you, really.
Well, goodnight, dear. Goodnight.
You know, my father was a minister. Really?
Yes. That's a coincidence.
So I know their little ways.
Yes, well, I think you'll find Walter is rather set in his.
You just leave him to me, dear. I think I might just do that.
Shall I close the door? That'd be lovely. Thank you.
Goodnight dear, Goodnight.
Clarence.
Where's that bloody dog?
Wakey-wakey.
Clarence.
I thought you deserved a lie in.
Breakfast is ready when you are.
Oh, I slept straight through.
Makes a change.
Fantastic.
This is wonderful.
Thank you, Vicar. Here's the toast, dear.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Did you know that, Holly?
I vaguely remember mum failing to drum that into me, yeah.
Good morning.
As it's such a big day for you, Vicar,
I've given you extra.
It's not such a big day, Grace, it's only a bit of fun.
Oh, can't I talk you out of it? No, sweetheart, you cannot.
It's gonna be the most embarrassing day of my life. Again.
It's all in a good cause. It doesn't make it any less embarrassing.
I think it'll be fun.
She's new. She'll learn.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Unlucky, Reverend. Chin up.
I think I just need to warm up a bit, I think.
Bad luck, Vicar.
Oh dear, dear...
No, I just can't watch. Oh, Holly.
Don't we get that enough every Sunday?
Move it up the pitch!
He's a handsome fellow, isn't he? What?
Your husband.
Cuts quite an athletic figure. Yes.
I'll be back in a minute.
Well, let's cheer for your father, Shall we? Perhaps that'll help.
Come on, dad. Come on, Vicar.
Hi,
Well, perhaps next time.
I really am sorry. I was waving. Concentrate, Vicar.
Sorry I'm sorry about that.
Come along, Vicar. Pray for guidance, Vicar.
That was only just in, that one.
Sorry, It went right through...
You're supposed to be stopping them, vicar.
Sorry.
You all right, Vicar? Oh, I'm fine.
No. I think I'm just winded...
Let's get you off.
I'm fine, I promise you. I'm sure I could carry on.
No, come on, take a breather.
Are you okay, dad? Yes, I'm fine.
Bad luck, Vicar. Thank you, Grace. I did my best.
Would you like a nice cup of tea? That sounds wonderful, Grace.
Let's get your father some tea. Thank you.
We finally got the right goalie.
That was some bad luck out there, Reverend.
Oh, thank you. But, I guess these things happen, huh?
Yes, they certainly do. Well, they just did.
I went for the ball, ref.
But, I gotta hand it to you Walter...
...you sure took it like a man, I'll say that for you.
Why, thank you Thank you.
I'm sorry, have we?
Oh, sorry. Lance.
Lance. I see your wife.
I'm her golf pro.
Oh, yes. She takes her golf very seriously.
Yeah Always comes on time, too.
Yes, she's very good like that.
Very good.
Ooh, that was close.
Well...
...nice to meet you, Walter.
Nice to meet you, Lance.
Okay ref, come on. Referee, did you see that?
Are you trying to make this as awkward as possible?
No, we're just two guys shooting the breeze.
Nothing to worry about.
Besides, you can't blame a man for checking out his competition, can you?
Yeah, but that's not the competition, that's my husband.
So, guess what?
I talked to my travel guy last night.
Really? And what did he say? When are we leaving?
It's all good.
Here you are, Petey. Thank you.
I'll show you the way, and then you can drive.
I can't.
No, it's fine, you're on my insurance.
No, I can't drive.
Well, it's never too late to learn.
Morning.
Oh yeah. You haven't seen Clarence, have you?
No, afraid not.
No, it's not like him. It's not like him at all.
Never mind, best night's sleep I've had in a long time.
Every cloud has a silver lining.
Clarence?
Get out of the way. Move, move!
I tell you what, I've gotta go in and order a new track
Would you like me to come in with you? Yeah
Is that a good idea? Yeah.
So, in Mexico they have these endless miles of perfect
...glistening white sand beaches.
And what we're gonna do, for the rest of our lives...
...is we're gonna find our own stretch, our little private
...just you and me.
And then what I'm gonna do...
is I am going to cover your body...
with coconut cream everyday, and I am gonna start from your toes...
...and I am gonna lick my way up slowly, all the way to...
Oh, that sounds lovely, when do we go?
Fuck!
How was he? Oh, petrified.
Oh, poor Petey.
Hello? Gloria, who the hell was that?
Hello, Lillian. What? Gloria? Listen...
I can't really talk right now, can I call you back later?
I have found the perfect spot. Bye.
Yes, that was Lillian, an old friend of mine.
Clarence?
Clarence, where are you?
And then once, we broke into the boy's college in the middle of the night...
...me and some friends, and did a striptease for the lads!
Wasn't any old college, either, it was the Religion and Philosophy.
Is that where you met Walter? That's where I met Walter.
He was post-grad, I was a first year. And he was...
...he's just different from the others.
Still is.
Not many like him around.
Put your finger on here, will you?
But why, when they eventually do find God,
that they lose their sense of humor?
Hello?
So, what are you doing for the next couple of hours?
Lillian. Again.
Who is this Lillian? Where are you?
Listen to me, I have found the...
Well, that was Lillian and I'm going to nip into town and meet her for lunch.
Lillian.
I'd so like to meet her.
Yes, of course.
I'll sort something out.
Bye-bye. Bye.
God's ways are mysterious.
That's why we say God's Mysterious ways".
I mean, look at job, and all that befell him.
He asked the Lord, why are you doing all of this to me?"
And God could have explained.
But, instead, he just said Trust me, job."
Now that's mysterious.
God?
Yes, Walter?
How do you think it's sounding?
Well, the title stinks for a start.
Oh, I'm sorry...
I can't agree with God about that. Goodness. Grace.
Hope you don't mind? No, I was...
...just practicing for the convention.
It's very thought-provoking.
Dry and boring, I think you mean.
But that's me all over. Nonsense.
I'm not the most vibrant of individuals.
A bit serious, perhaps.
You've hit the nail on the head there, Grace.
Reverend Goodfellow.
I just wanted to speak to you about...
Miss Hawkins. Mrs. Parker.
...is it possible to have a word with you, privately?
It's about the Flower Arranging Committee.
It's taken a turn for the worse. I have never, in all my life...
Mrs. Parker. Mrs. Parker...
...the Reverend is practicing his sermon.
Yes, I have a convention coming up.
I see.
Very well.
Goodbye, Mrs. Parker.
Oh dear. I hope I didn't you know...
Of course not.
For goodness sake, you are a busy man. People should realize that.
Right.
Now...
...about your sermon...
Yes.
Do you like jokes?
Jokes?
So, you see, God is really tired.
And he says to St. Peter, He says look, Petey..."
...I'm absolutely exhausted. I need a holiday, I really do.
So, is there anywhere you can suggest?
So, St. Peter thinks for a bit, and then he says...
...Well, I know, I know..." he says what about the moon?
And God said No, I don't think so, not the moon."
There's no atmosphere.
Yeah, that's funny. Yeah, but I've not finished yet.
So then God says...
...I really want something different. So, St. Peter says..."
...Well, I know, what about earth? And God says "No..."
...no, I went there 2,000 years ago
and met this nice little Jewish girl...
...and they're still talking about it!
I did good, huh?
You look beautiful.
After you.
Fabulous, right? Oh, yes.
And guess what? The tickets are on their way.
Oh, this is it oh God. I need...
Wait. What?
Let me take my clothes off first.
Okay.
Oh, man.
Oh, God Almighty.
Slow, slow, (slow).
Oh, yeah. Oh, God Almighty. You're making me crazy.
Oh God, what's that? What?
That.
This is my love pack. Oh, I know what it is, Lance.
I thought Brits liked this kinda thing.
No, we don't.